4 Movie Theories That Explain Bizarre Casting Choices

Movie giving doesn’t ever make sense. Case In Place: Me being turned down for the role of Delivery Boy in Lonely Housewives’ Sausage Pizza Party despite offering to method act the whole event and stay in reputation for the entire hit. Those are all the examples I could come up with because , now that I think about it, most movie throw does stir total sense.( I truly need to start writing these columns after I end what they’ll be about .)

After all, publics are more likely to see a movie if it features a beautiful, well-known, apparently-not-mine front. And even when that giving option seems as laughable as sandpaper Q-Tips, sometimes it can accidentally make a movie better by opening the doors to wild-but-plausible theories that completely change the lane you look at a movie. For lesson ๐Ÿ˜› TAGEND


Gerard Butler’s Accent Recommends That 300 Is Actually A Stage Play

I make I watched 300 a total of five or six days, and only half of them were as reputation research for Chad Poundington, part-time delivery boy, full-time six-packed erecting machine. The reason why I retained going back to it is simple: 300 isn’t a movie.

It’s more of an adaptation of all the manly, slow motion war imaginations that play in my geeky head 24/7. This makes it near limitless replay significance AND it tells it get by with a lot of silly bullshit. This most notably includes crowding the role of Leonidas with Gerard Butler, a seductive gob of a human who unfortunately also seems so Scottish that he can only reach orgasm by supposing he’s literally transgressing Big Ben.

Just … Scottish Spartans? How does THAT work?

The Theory:

You know where else can you find Scottish Spartan? English translations of Greek frisks. You’re going to learn a bit about translation assumption, so go ahead and give yourself a preemptive wedgie.

Dynamic equivalence is the idea that you shouldn’t translate stuff literally but preferably in such a way that will cause the same reaction in the brains of the translation recipient as it would with the recipient of the original text. You’ve possibly discovered the Polish message kurwa , which means “bitch” or “slut” but is exercised often in the same way as Americans use “fuck, ” i.e. as everything from a noun to adjective to exclamation. That’s why the far-famed “fuck” panorama in Boondock Saints was be converted into Polish abusing kurwa instead of the straight translation of the word “fuck” (< i> pierdolic/ jebac ). That’s dynamic equivalence.

So, a century or so back, when English dudes were changing Greek theater frisks and grew across ways written in the Spartan variant of Greek, they looked for a accent that English beings would recognize the same way Athenians saw Spartan Greek. That is, a dialect spoken by battle-obsessed loonies. It didn’t take them long to decide to write all the Spartan ways in Scottish English after impelling sure no crazy Scottish person heard them announcing Scots crazy.( If you tried to do the same event with American English, you’d possibly give Spartan Texan accents .)

Check out one such Scottish-Spartan translation of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata ๐Ÿ˜› TAGEND

“Assess them, ye tickler, wi’ such affectionate chucks I feel as if I were an altar-victim.”

In light of this, it obliges perfect sense that 300 is a filmed STAGE ADAPTATION of the Thermopylae story. It would explain the lead’s Scottish accent, the overdone brutality, and the almost theatrical make qualities. Keep in mind, though, that this would be the kind of theater make where the first two rows receive free plastic tarps due to all the operating bro sweat.

Plus, at the end of 300 , it turns out that the part tale was told by one of Leonidas’ soldiers. That reputation is clearly acting as the choragus, the leader of the chorus in Greek theater who chronicles the tale and sometimes even places himself into it. This effectively obliges 300 the second largest privately theatrical pop culture staple after Super Mario Bros. 3 .


Batman v Superman ‘s Jesse Eisenberg Is A Clone Of The REAL Lex Luthor

To ask my plans on Batman v Superman I’m going to repeat the giving conductor of Lonely Housewives’ Sausage Pizza Party , “I revalue the … struggle, but please leave before I call the police.” There were parts of the movie I liked but, in the end, I precisely couldn’t get over the full amounts of the, astounding carnage of Lex Luthor’s character. For anyone taking notes, here’s how you write Luthor precisely: less smugness and also almost looking like a hero( and Telly Savalas ).

As I mentioned in another article, Luthor is terrified of Supes and of what Supes might do when he realise “hes having” the power to fist the Moon to death. But the point is that Lex preserves it all locked away under a serious, dignified exterior befitting the threat he fronts. To Luthor, defeating Superman is a matter of survival for the human race. That’s why he doesn’t jump-start around like a kid off his ADHD meds when thinking of ways to kill him. He doesn’t laugh giddily and dance and take desire in the battle. In short, he is the exact opposite of Jesse Eisenberg’s character.

The Theory:

What if Eisenlex is a inventive throwback to the Superman comic books? “What if burgers fried in bacon grease attained your dick large? ” you might invite, but I’m be taken seriously here. I think he might have been inspired by the ‘9 0s Lex Luthor … the second.

See, lane back, when Luthor was redesigned for the modern senility, he was given cancer because the ‘9 0s were edgies like that. To medication himself, he carried his psyche into a cloned organization that he afterward guided off as his illegitimate, ginger son, Lex Luthor II.

Now, one of LeLu2’s prime storylines was him gaining control of an incarnation of Supergirl who was actually an artificial create and that’s all I’ll say because if I expended any more season illustrating it, you’d all retroactively regain your virginities. The quality is that Ginger Luthor use her as his own private, living weapon( and/ or gender plaything ), which makes a lot of resemblance to what Eisenlex did in BvS when he established Doomsday.

More importantly, Ginger Lex eventually started to go insane due to a rapid bag of scheme availability, that are actually imparts the whole assumption together. If the REAL Luthor faked his death and guided off his deteriorating clone as his son, then it would wholly explain why Eisenlex was loonier and little dignified than a Canadian gander. It’s a something much comforting recalled than the screenwriter not applying a operating kurwa about comic book canon.

If you need more proof, check out how he ogles when you use GIMP to transform his whisker blood-red ๐Ÿ˜› TAGEND

Now if we lend a ginger whisker …

Finally, and this is where circumstances get eerie, see what happens when we completely change Eisenberg’s photo with a picture of the comic book Luthor II ๐Ÿ˜› TAGEND


Sean Connery’s Character In Highlander Is The Father Of All Scottish People

When I was a kid, I felt another girl when he told him that I was privately a robot and had a total freakout about it. I also felt some chap when he said he’d pay me $100 if I wrote the word kurwa on the pavement in chalk. My quality is that I was a gullible brainles in my younger days but even I did not repute for a second that Sean Connery was Spanish and/ or Egyptian in Highlander .

The thing is, Sean Connery is not an actor. He’s a movie star, like, say, John Wayne, and movie stars don’t comedy reputations. They play themselves in different dress.( Unlike me, who’d have BECOME Chad Poundington if merely given a chance !) That’s why Connery’s Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, presumably born Tak Ne in 9th century BC Egypt, seems more Scottish than a unicorn drowning in whiskey. It ogles bad for a movie when the least believable part of a tale about immortal brawlers is the ethnicity of one of the main characters.

The Theory:

Most countries have some sort of legend about their citizens being descended from some fanciful, mystical beings countless millennia ago. White kinfolks have the Aryans, Polish beings had Sarmatia, and the Scots had Egypt.

There dwells a lore about how all Scottish beings are descended from Scota. According to myth, Scota was the daughter of an Egyptian pharaoh, who was exiled from Egypt and settled in Spain. Her offsprings, the lore persists, was ultimately travel north and agree Scotland and Ireland where they could keep the Egyptians’ innate hatred of throbs alive.

The items between the lore of Scota and Highlander don’t competitor accurately, but they are perfectly compatible in atmosphere. I mean, the movie( and I mean merely the first movie because I refuse to acknowledge everything that came as it, for similar reasons we all choose to ignore the fact that the most yummy menu eventually was transformed into poop) is all about singular, immortal beings affecting history.

Because Highlander is already a kickass movie, I choose to believe that it’s privately lane grander than I ever fantasized. I choose to believe that Connery’s Tak Ne was carry in Egypt, lives in Spain, then intersected the English Channel and established all of the Scots with his penis many years before the events of the first movie. It is not simply cures expand the world of Highlander without stupid-ass aliens, but it also obliges total sense because if there’s a human who represents the spirit of Scotland more than Sean “I-Got-Knighted-By-The-Queen-While-Wearing–AKilt” Connery, I haven’t heard about him.


Idris Elba’s Heimdall( From Thor ) Either Created, Guided, Or Fucked Early Human

You’re examining it here firstly: Idris Elba has accepted the persona as Chad Poundington in Lonely Housewives’ Sausage Pizza Party . But that’s not the reasons why I’m writing this entering. I’m certainly not writing it in the hopes that Idris Elba will read it, and I’m definitely not writing it because it are contributing to Elba to get me give in Lonely Housewives’ Sausage Pizza Party 2: XXXtra Cheese .

Also, I honestly don’t think there’s a movie that are not able be improved by the inclusion of Idris Elba. Peculiarly one where he plays a badass, omniscient tollbooth divinity, like in Thor . So , no, I’m not one of those chaps who shat their throbs in lieu of going to the bathroom so they could have more time to bitch about the throw of a black human as the Asgardian divinity Heimdall.

Are Nordic beings and their deities whiter than albino mayo? Yes. Is the comic book Heimdall a white buster? Yes. Was the mythological Heimdall described as “the whitest of deities? ” Also yes. This is all genuine. On the other side, it’s Idris Elba we’re speak about. So although there are his throw might not stir canonical sense, he’s still IDRIS fucking ELBA, hotshot of Pacific Rim , Luther , The Dark Tower , and Lonely Housewives’ Sausage Pizza Party 3: Marinara Tara’s Two Topping Special .

The Theory:

Actually, let’s talk more about how Heimdall is described in Nordic mythology. Other than apparently being as pasty as a Wonder Bread and snow sandwich, Heimdall’s greatest attainment was the creation of the human race. And although there are that’d also stir him responsible for Batman v Superman and Sean Spicer, I choose to see that as a positive thing.

And, well, wouldn’t the committee is also stir perfect sense for the papa of the human race to be black, considering humanity originated in Africa?

We can all is true that the competence of the Asgardians are sort of all over the place. Some can verify lightning, some can shapeshift, so would it be such a stretch of the imagination if one of them also had the ability of season hurtle and/ or leader the process of developing lower beings? It would not.

As it is, I have no trouble supposing Elba’s Heimdall traveling to Earth a few millennia ago and nudging a assortment of pre-humans with his Asgardian science-magic to become humen — ones in his own portrait , no less. Or maybe he simply navigated our technological development. Or maybe he had gender with cavewomen and, quite literally, implanted his godly DNA into our genus. Realise as every option would make a great comic book tale/ porno, I’m all for the notion that Elba’s Heimdall is the papa of all humanity.

Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked editor, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz @gmail. com or follow him on Twitter .

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