Why The American Public Deserves To Know Trump’s Golf Scores
April 21, 2017
Russia, I know that events between us ought to have pretty weird lately, but if you’re say this, I have a request. I would like you to use your intruder military to find Donald Trump’s golf scorecards. I think you will probably be honored mightily by our press. You don’t have to get it on right now, but I plead you to think it over.
See, as I write this, America’s Commander in Chief has played golf 16 epoches since the kickoff. That number will be in the 20 s by the time you read this after Easter weekend – and all in only 12 weeks in place. He’s on pace to play-act more rounds in one expression than Obama played in two, and his golf junkets have him on track to invest more on trip in his first year than Obama did in eight. So far he’s spent $35,000 on golf carts so his secret service item can follow him as he plays, fund that moves from the tax payer instantly into his own resort hotel.
Yes , there is a degree of hypocrisy now. Yes , campaigner Trump did lampoon Obama for how often he frisked golf and reassured his supporters he wouldn’t do the same when he spoke, “because I’ll be working for you, I won’t have time to play golf.”
And, yes , there was that time he promised he wouldn’t dally golf at all because he simply craves “to stay in the White House and work my ass off, draw great deal, right? Who’s gonna leave? Who’s gonna leave? “
But all directors dally golf. And if all directors get it on, then dammit, what’s the point of all of this if Trump isn’t the best presidential golfer of all time? And how are we supposed to know if he is or isn’t the best presidential golfer of all time if he doesn’t secrete his scorecards, which he’s never made public?
Russia, that’s where you come in.
Sasha Mordovets/ Getty
“I’m listening … ”
Only you, with your gigantic hordes of scraggly hackers crammed into nondescript Moscow office constructs that reek of Red Bull and ribbed moose cheeks can spoof into whatever the natural habitat of a scorecard is and release them. The American parties deserve to learn Trump’s genuine golf hindrance. It’s a vital slouse of information that will be used to determine if our chairwoman needs to devote more time to governing or to his chip shots from the rough.
A handicap is a number golfers use as a measuring stick to liken each other’s talents. The lowering the number, the better the golfer. President Trump has claimed his handicap is +2.8. Far be it from me to throw doubt. He owns several golf courses and I own an expired membership to a driving collection. I’m sure he’s skilled, but since that handicap would draw him an extraordinarily good golfer for his age and his, let’s suggest, corpulence, the American people need the thousands of scorecards he’s building up over the years to be released and verified by an independent commission of golf experts. This committee would consist of a squad of four, all of whom will have either previously worked for Goldman Sachs or were on Trump’s transition team. Or both.
Russia, we need you to secrete the information collected , not only to reassure us that our chairwoman is wrecking ass on the light-green the method person with a +2.8 hindrance would, but is responsible for ensuring that he’s paying that +2.8 legitimately. Here’s why: Countless parties have been saying that Donald Trump cheats at golf. I know. Gasp.
Ian MacNicol/ Stringer
Here we ensure the largest white-hot MAGA elephant in his natural habitat . font>
If there’s one thing I learned in my short time as a really bad golfer, it’s that golf is a game of reputation. A fib on a scorecard can be achieved through a reputation broken for a lifetime. I don’t wishes to throw vengeful slurs on our chairwoman, whose +2.8 hindrance is up there in the Head of State Golf Hall of Fame with that time Kim Jong-Ill made 11 holes-in-one in the first round of golf he ever played in his life at persons under the age of 52, but rumors about Trump’s golf impropriety have been running for years. Countless parties have been saying this. Countless people.
Samuel L. Jackson is an avid golfer and he’s never been reticent about publicly expressing the rumors of Trump’s cheating. Harmonizing to former boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya, Trump formerly interjected himself into Oscar’s golf game merely to cheat his method through the entire round. Legendary shock rocker and improbable golf radical Alice Cooper was once invited which fame was the most difficult golf crook. His response: “I playing with Donald Trump one time. That’s all I’m going to say.” The former managing editor of Sports Illustrated store played a round with Trump in the mid-‘9 0s. He claims Trump made a ball into a thicket of grass. A sprinkle landed on, so they ducked for embrace. When they came back, the ball had somehow represented it from the thicket to 10 paws from the pin.
What constructs this a real head-scratcher is that in every single speciman mentioned above, Trump has claimed his accusers are the liars and that he’s never formerly misled in his life. Frankly, Russia, we don’t know who to repute. What’s even weirder is that it’s not like his accusers have anything to gain, unlike those nearly 20 nasty brides who’ve claimed Trump sexually assaulted them so they can take his fund, all his golf courses, and separated his presidential capabilities similarly amongst themselves. I’m beginning to suspect Samuel L. Jackson, Oscar De La Hoya, the former managing editor of Sports Illustrated , and Alice Cooper have been working together for decades to draw parties recall Donald Trump habitually dedicates golf fraud.
This is a serious allegation that, if genuine, could sully Donald Trump’s bequest as a chairwoman who golfed a good deal. Or, more likely, it can absolve him, which, candidly, would allow me and millions of Americans to breathe a huge sigh of comfort. Finally, thanks to you, Russia, the matter would be put to rest and we could go back to exploding into uproarious applause and maniacal grunts of contentment when we receive our normal Friday afternoon notification that President Donald Trump has property safely in Florida and is already three flaws late. Privately, I simply hope the scorecards demo Trump has been too humble to reveal that he’s previously ended Kim Jong-Ill’s hole-in-one record many times over. I potted he has. God, what a man.